Thursday, May 21, 2009

what now?

Here i am again. But this time around I am actually aware of what I am going through and I am trying. Last time I "found myself" I wasn't aware I was. I was just living and discovering things day by day. Experiencing life as it came my way. It was an awesome journey. But now I feel lost at times. And a little helpless. I guess because I have a lot more at stake this go around.
A family. I kind of lost myself in my family. I "let myself go" so to say. In more ways than one too. But I am working on all of that. Some things are easier than others. ha
I wonder what makes up a person? Are you the person you want to be or what others think of you? Do you create your own self? Or do you uncover someone that will always be?
It is so weird for me to reach deep and talk about it all. I feel vulnerable. But I want to be able to look bakc at this years from now and realize things about me. To see how far I came.
It is a hard thing for - letting go. Just allowing people to see inside my soul. I barely let my husband. (I guess this is where I need to start-to discover who I am). I am scared of rejection. I am scared of getting hurt and that builds a survival wall around me. I do this with everyone in my life with the exception of my children.
But I want to let people in. Not everyone, but the people that matter the most to me. The people that deserve it. I guess I must search for a way to do this. I must start from the very beginning. Opening up will be my first step in self-discovery i suppose. And I am scared. And I am unsure how to go about it.
Here i go though. Holding my breath all the way.

No comments:

Post a Comment