Well, a couple months ago I realized my head was spinning and my mind was so crowded that my thoughts were spilling out all over the place. I could not keep track of any of it. When I stopped to grasp my thinking I would be in a completely different place than I knew. I felt helpless and out of control. I hate to feel out of control. (that is why I don't drink-I don't want to not be able to think straight). I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore. Or who I had even become. Who was this girl or woman? Was I a woman already? And what in the world does that even mean?
It takes a lot out of you to come to terms with these sort of feelings. And I felt pulled in a million different directions. Contemplating every aspect of my life. I mean every single part of it. Wondering what had happended to the person I used to be. Had I just abandoned her for this wife and mother person i now had become? Was there room for her again? Where in the world (or my head) would I find her/ find ME?
It really did take a while for me to get ahold of my thoughts and feel like I had some grip on things that were going on in my own head. And now I am searching. It probably will take a while though. But I am ok with that. What I felt crazy about was the fact that I was finding myself again. At 25, married, and with three children. I mean who finds theirself now? I couldn't quite feel normal. But I do now. And I know there is room for everything here inside. Because I am a not just a mother or a wife. I am also something outside of those two roles. And I am learning who that is everyday.
I am no longer scared. I am excited. Excited about change and bringing more fullfilment into my life. And the lives of my children and husband. Because I surely know Justin would love to see that person he fell in love with.