Misha Lulu, I love you!

I absolutely adore Misha Lulu designs. I first thought I could not afford these awesome children's clothes, but then I came across the wonderful Surplus Store. YAY!! I am in love with the vintage and whimsical feel. And where I am from it is pretty difficult to find unique clothing.

Here are a few pieces I like-although I must say-I think I really like it all!

Kids Decor-Part One

There are several things I am wanting right now. Not just for myself, but for my home and dog, and more.

First of all, I am wanting to decorate Brenna and Trent's bedroom. Since we live in a 3 bedroom, they share a room. Emily has the smallest room. And Brenna and Trent have the largest room (honestly, their room is huge-it is bigger than mine and Justin's room). Currently they have a bunkbed with a built-in desk. I hate this thing. I can't make Brenna's bed. And can barely make Trent's. It feels so awkward also. So we are going to get them twin beds when able.

I definitely want this bedding for Brenna. And I think this bed is very classic, and is gender neutral, so it would be great for both Brenna and Trent.


I love this iron bed. But I am not sure what I would rather do. Especially since I would like for them to have the same bed while they share a room.


I just thought this was so cute. If Trent had his own room, this is how I would love to decorate it.


And Brenna would love this. It would be cute for Emily also.


All of this can be found at The Land of Nod. They have so many great things for kids decor. I could look around there forever. And it gives great inspiration.

To care or Not to care

I sometimes think that I should try to not care about certain things. But then again, that wouldn't be me. And also, I might miss something that could make me look like a complete dumby, and I do not want to be such.

But here I am all stressed and worried, because I do care. There is no problem with caring. Unless there are other people involved that might not care as much.

I have trouble fully trusting. I feel I should never completely let my guard down. And I don't. Not even with my husband. And if given any reason to question my impartial trust in you, makes me raise red flags everytime I encounter a hint of a question. This is stressful. And makes me want to just not care. But then I am faced with knowing that I can be made to look foolish. And I do not like that.

What to do..what to do...

Stealing from the Moneyless

I checked my ebay account a little while ago, and saw that I had like $13 more in my ebay bucks. WHAT? HOW? Did justin buy something? I will kill him. Did they double my bubks, triple them?

So I opted to check the details of where all my bucks had come from. And much to my surprise I had purchased something for a whopping $688!! Now to some this may be a tiny amount. But for those of us who live paycheck to paycheck, this is a very large amount!! Especially when that is more then your paycheck.

I thought maybe it was a glitch with their systems. So I thought I would check my paypal. Surely it hadn't come from there. But better safe than sorry. WELL..I WAS SORRY!! There it was right before my very own eyes. A payment for $688. I wanted to cry, while my heart nearly pounded from my chest. What to do? What to do?

In a panic I sent a message to the seller, telling them not to mail the package. I then realized I should file a claim with paypal. So I did that. And then I changed my password and security questions. I then called my bank, which was not very helpful, because the payment was pending. WELL STOP IT FROM PENDING!! But they couldn't.
SO I them called paypal. I just had to make sure I had done all that I could do. And I had.

Now all I can do is wait. Wait and hope I get my money back very soon. They say the longest it will take is 10 days, but it usually gets resolved in a couple.

For the time being, I am moneyless. And realizing I should periodically change my passwords. And I am still freaking out a little.

The End of Another Year

Christmas is over. And a new year is about to begin. It feels crazy to me. This year has flown by so quickly, without time for a breath. It scares me a little to think we are about to be starting a brand new year. And this one will have passed, just as all the others. And then the new one will pass a little more quickly. I feel I need to hold on tight and try to slow the clock. But I have no control here. And that scares me a little more.

I am torn. I want these next couple years to rush by, so I can finally be finished with school and in my career. But I want them to be slow, so I can hold my babies longer. So I don't miss them growing.




The photos are from Christmas Eve, right before my mom brought the kids their presents from her. And Emily had gotten Trent's toothbrush. He tried to take it from her, but lost that battle. I happened to have the camera right by me to document. I want to sqeeze these moments into a box and always remember them. I want to have a million more fights, and kisses, and hugs, and playtimes, and naps, and snuggles.

Happy (day after) Christmas

Well, Christmas was excellent. Of course! Our kids had an awesome amount of gifts to go along with all the great family fun. And even Justin and I got a few presents this year. I wasn't expecting anything. We did not, however, buy for eachother this year. But that is not the meaning of Christmas, or the importance.

Justin was freaked out that the kids didn't have enough for Christmas gifts. But I thought they had more than enough. I won out, and he realized they indeed had A LOT. I do not think you should bankrupt yourself in order to buy presents for your children (or anyone for that matter).



I want my children to appreciate the gifts they receive, and overly excessive gifting will ensure they expect a lot all the time. And with that expectation comes unapprecaition and entitlement. I want my childrent to be thankful. To know that there are some children that do not get presents. I want my children to be giving and gracious. And I do believe that they are so far. I might need to remind them to say thank you, but that is to be expected with children of their ages.



I am so blessed. I thank God every night for my three little blessings.

Traditions are important

I am so excited for this weekend. I can not wait for my sister, and her family, to get here friday. Then Saturday we are celebrating Christmas with my extended family. I love this time of year. I have always thoroughly enjoyed getting together with my big family. And over the years we have grown, with my some cousins and I being married and having children of our own. It is so exciting. I hope this tradition continues, even when the older generations are no longer here with us.

Family has always been very important to me. I always was so proud of how close our family was. But when my Papa died I felt us kind of drift a bit. Maybe it was all in my own head, but it felt he was the one who brought us so close. He and my Nana have been great influences in all of our lives.

We have still continued with our holiday traditions. Over the years they have been tweaked here and there, but pretty much the same. And I have still always looked forward to getting together on Thanksgiving and for Christmas. But this year I think I am more excited.

For some reason, Thanksgiving felt a little different this year. It felt warmer, like in the old days. Everyone felt more sincere, and closer. And I am so excited for our Christmas celebration. I love my family.

Where to go from here

I look back at pictures of myself before I ever got pregnant, and I can not help but think how in the world Justin would still be attracted to me. I look completely different. I am envious of that girl in those photos. She could be sexy, even though she didn't think about it. She could be confident, even though at times she wasn't. She could wear whatever she wanted, although she was still modest. And she was completely free, and she did exercise it somewhat.

But I try to think about how much I have changed. I know definitely in appearance. And self-esteem. But have I changed so much in other ways? I am just a completely different person altogether?

Every once in a while I can feel that 19 year reaching or the surface. She has to still be in here somewhere. And hopefully one day I will uncover her. Be the me I know I am. The me I feel I am, but am too afraid to express in this body.

But why am I too afraid to truly be myself in this body? I guess because I am not confident. This shell doesn't allow for much, and I can't even dress the way I want. I feel like the people that have only known me this size, do not even know me at all. I have almost forgotten who I am.

Most of the Time

Life is amazing most of the time. Everyday I catch glimpses of happiness in the eyes of others. I love to know that people feel love. Especially children. I love working with kids, and have a passion for working with the children who need that extra push, or love, or smile, or hug, or encouraging word. Those are the differences I can make. And I want to make a difference in atleast one persons life, if I do more-then that would be awesome.

It literally breaks my heart into pieces when I hear about a child that is in bad circumstances, or situations. I want to help them. To pull them from the pain, and let them know that life can be better, it will get better. To bring a smile to their faces.

I think in order to succeed in your career, and be happy, you need to have a passion for what you are doing in life. Whether it be building homes, fixing leaky faucets, planting trees, working with children, painting, or delivering babies-you need to have a desire for it.


I am so blessed in so many ways. And I am thankful for that.

Not MY Plan

There are many days I think to myself how easy life would be if I had no children, or even if I only had one. But I don't. I have three. And sometimes it feels like four. ha. But I love it. And even though some days I am overworked, and overstressed-I am still happy. I am genuinely happy with the fact that Justin nad I have three amazing children. All unplanned, but very welcomed.


My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Santa: yes or no?

I never really thought too much about whether telling my children that there was a Santa Claus who brought them gifts on Christmas Eve. I believed in Santa, so where was the harm in it all? I was on a site recently that I frequent, and on one of the forums a parent was talking about howthey do not "do Santa" in their home. Then as I continued to read the other posts I saw many other parents who didn't "do Santa". They all had their reasons: some were religious, some were simply about trust.

It got me thinking, was there any harm in allowing my children to believe in Santa? Would they be scarred, and unwilling to trust the things I tell them?

As far as not talking about Santa because of religious beliefs, that does not have much affect on whether I tell my children that there is a bearded, old man in a red suit that brings them gifts the night before Christmas. I was raised Christian, and my parents still told me there was a Santa. I was upset when I found out he wasn't real though. ha.

But I guess I sometimes get stuck in my own bubble. I do not really realize the contraversies around things I have always viewed as harmless fun, and in a way tradition. We are still telling our kids about Santa. There is not much talk about him, but my children get photographed with Santa, and they think that he brings them presents on Christmas Eve. We have fun with it, and the kids enjoy it.

Heading Out

Today I am leaving for a tiny roadtrip to see my sister, Ashley, and her little family. Just me and the kids-and my other sister, Chelsey and her boyfriend, Jerry. I am soo excited. But I still haven't packed. I am getting in the shower and then packing as soon as I finish this post. ha.

Yesterday was great! For some reason it felt like my rather large extended family was like it used to be. In the days when my Papa was here. We were all soo close, and yesterday everything felt real. It was nice. I can't wait for Christmas. I love that we all get together during the holidays like that. I always have.


And this year, when we took family photos like normal, I had my camera ready. Does that mean I am growing up? Oh, no.


When we got a shot of "all the kids"-it was weird to see us all grown up and with children of our own. And some of us married, or on the verge. (there were several people not there for one reason or the other-maybe one day we will get a photo with us all).


We made it to see the lights turn on this year. Barely though. ha. We got there 5 minutes before they turned them on. It was soo cool-to see a ton of the community gather to watch streams of lights being turned on for the first time this year. We didn't stay downtown for very long, because it was colder than I had anticipated. The kids had jackets, but Emily needed more.



I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving. A day to remind yourself of all the things in your life that you should be appreciative. Here is what I am so very thankful for: My beautiful children, Brenna, Trent, and Emily. That I have a nice home to live in. I have food to eat. My family's health. That even though Justin and I drive eachother crazy-we still love eachother. That my family all get together on the holidays and I get to celebrate with all of them-just like I have we have since I can remember. That I have awesome friends-there may be few-but that is because I know who is true-and that is all I want around. That my sisters are my friends. My children truly love one another and care about their family. That I am able to go back to school. That I have a job-well two jobs. For my artistic ability. For my happiness in life. And the love I have.

I better get off and get ready to share this day with the rest of my family.

Breaking Point?

Sometimes things happen in your life. And you aren't sure how to handle it. What will make you feel better? And it is worse when the person that should be by your side and that should be helping you feel better is the cause. Where do you go? What do you do? How do you escape the pain?

Handling heartache is very difficult for me. Especially when it comes from certain people. And there is a horrible feeling of helplessness. A feeling of wanting to escape, but wanting to fight it out. But where do you go when the pain will only follow you?

What do you say when you have bottled it up, because you are not allowed to talk about it?

How do you talk to someone who makes you feel like crap? And then makes you feel stupid for feeling like crap? And on top of that never knows how to make you feel better.

I think I am at a crossroads. The kind that changes you. Not necessarily your situation at first, but yourself.

Maybe this is it. But who knows.

I'm Scared of that One

I was pulling up my email from Yahoo. And there was a picture of Micheal jackson. Trent was sitting on my lap, and as soon as he saw the photo said,"Ewww! Scary!!". I just couldn't help but laugh! And then he said, " I'm scared of that one. I don't like that one, monster." Too funny. Those were my thoughts exactly.

The Meaning in a Name

I accidentally came across the meaning of Brenna's name. I had never really though about it before. But it got me intrigued. I wondered what all our names meant. And this is what I found.

BRENNA is an American name meaning Sword. RYAN is an Irish name meaning King.


TRENT is an English anme meaning Thirty. ENDER is a Turkish name meaning Extremely Rare.


EMILY is an English name meaning To Strive or Excel or Rival. DRESDEN is a city in Germany, also a fine porcelain.



JENNIFER is an English name meaning Fair Phantom or White Wave. LEANN is an English name meaning Merciful, Gracious Field

JUSTIN is an English name meaning Fair and Just. ELI is a Hebrew name meaning Height.

Stuffable Nose

Our sweet little Emily is going through a phase where she wants to jam everything up her nose. I have used the *** to remove poptart a couple of times. And usually about once a day I remove threading from her bobby pillow we keep in her bed. That is a little trickier. I have to use the tweezers sometimes. haha. Brenna and Trent never did this.


If you look closely you can see the thread in her right nostril-all packed in there.

This darling girl also likes to steal food from anywhere she can get it. Poor Trent gets his juice and food stolen all the time. If you lay it down, or leave it too close to the edge of the table--Emily is going to snatch it up in a heartbeat. And she knows when she has takens Trent's she better run. it is so hilarious, she will grab his poptart or capri-sun when he isn't looking and then take off with a big smile across her face.



It is almost impossible to sneek into her room when she is asleep. Almost everytime, as soon as you open the door, she will quickly pop up-blanket in hand-arms reached out-and eyes closed. haha.


This is a rare instance where I was actually able to make it in her room while she was sleeping without her waking. I snapped one shot of her with the camera and she woke.

Good Morning and Sleepyhead Photos

Emily taking a late nap


Brenna likes to sleep in her clothes


Trent asleep on the couch


Goodmorning, Emily!


Goodmorning, Brenna! - before school


Goodmorning, Trent!

Photography Fun

Justin bought our new camera from a friend for an incredibly good deal!! Luckily we had a little money left over from my HOPE scholarship. I have been wanting an SLR camera for some time now-but they are SOO EXPENSIVE. Not within my reach. UNtil...in walks my husband one night with a used Canon Rebel xt with two lenses!! For way cheap! How could I resist. Since I have never used a camera of this caliber, I have been playing around with it. Only on auto mode. I plan on trying out manual mode this week though. WOOHOO! Chelsey came over Sunday to do a little photoshoot. It didn't last long. haha. And here are a few of the pictures from that day.

Brenna Ryan Hill

This is the girl, who stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on her. I never understood how this love I had for Brenna could ever be split up among other children. How would I ever love another the way I love her? But alas, I do. My other two sweets.

Brenna was born August 2, 2004. She was born at 39 weeks, with a scheduled c-section. The reason for the surgery was how large this child was. The doctor thought she'd more than likely get stuck while having a "normal" birth. Which, he still left the decision in my hands, but I opted for a c-section. I was not allowing them to break any of my child's bones to remove her from my pelvis. She was 10 lbs 2 oz and 21.75 inches long.

When I saw her, I was overwhelmed with love. It poured from my soul. Through tears. She was the most beautiful sight I had ever witnessed. I felt like once she was in my arms, I was completed. Here was this piece of the puzzle. They had found it. And put me back together. I was fulfilled.

Every year, as Brenna grew older, it was exciting. Exciting to see new adventures of learning different things. Right before she turned one, she started walking. Shortly after turning one, we began potty training. She was a pro. It took her about 2-3 days to catch on. And not too much longer to be without diapers during the days. At 2 she knew how to count, her colors, shapes. Then, Brenna became a big sister.

What a perfect child to have a sibling. She took to trent like he was her own.

Here lately, as the years fly by, I am no longer excited for new things to come her way. I am saddened my the thoughts of growing up. Of her walking down the aisle in her wedding dress. And I know these should be happy things. But my little girl will no longer be my little girl. She will be a teenager. And what does that mean?

I guess it is hitting me now, because I can see the change in her. I can see how older she is getting. Her personality is changing. She still loves to be hugged and kissed, and give hugs and kisses. I dread the day, she shrugs from my hug. I hope she never does.

My love for this child has never faded. With each child added to our family, my love for her only grew. I love you, Brenna. More than I could ever express. You will always be a part of me.

A Happy Halloween

We had a great tiem lastnight. We took the kids trick-or-treating. It was their first time. Brenna, of course, loved it the most. Their first house, Trent tried hard to push his way past the man standing in the doorway to get into the house. haha. It was so funny. He kept pushing the man's crotch to make it in the unknown home. It seemed like 5 minutes had gone by when we finally got his attention. But it was really only like 30 seconds. haha.



We took the kids to Justin's grandparents' neighborhood. Luckily it was the perfect move. They got their bags full, and we got to walk half of the way as Justin drove the car to follow. And when their were gaps between the lighted home, we would ride with Justin. Once we actually entered the neighborhood, our first stop was Justin's grandparents' home. I took the kids to the door, and as we entered the heat took my breath away. WOW! The air was so thick with heat. It took everything I had not to complain of how incedibly warm their house was that evening. But I didn't. haha. Needless to say, with Jusitn waiting in the car and me hardly able to breath through the warmth, we didn't stay more than a couple of minutes. I think I was sweating when I walked out. ha.



Emily trick-or-treated the first half, then rode with Justin the rest of the time. Trent rode with Justin for the last several houses. Brenna didn't want to stop. We had a great time.

Creating a world of beauty

I always loved art and drawing. I remeber being in my elemntary art class every week. It was the best time of the week for me. Always creating something and unlocking potential I never knew existed. I would draw all the time. I drew faces of unknown people. And as I looked at the finished artwork-I was amazed.

Throughout the years. Everytime I finish a piece of artwork-most of the time-I am surprised by the results. Even when I think it could be better, I feel I did better than I thought I would have. But sometimes the more I look at my art, the more I can see where I have flawed.

Although, my whole life has been countless drawings, and finally venturing out into the world of painting, without guidance, I never knew I wanted to make a living fomr being an artist. But I do. And I think it started with Atlanta. Sometime before I left for Atlanta, or right after, my dad bought me an easel and oil paints. I had never used oil paints before. I fell in love.

The older I get, the more I realize that I desperately want to do something I yearn for. I need to create. And I wish I had the money and time to pursue it. Try to make it into the art world. Take art classes to help with my talent. (I feel weird saying that word-bc I feel it somehow implies I think I am good at what I do)-Which I do think I am fairly good. But there is always going to be someone way better. But I have to be positive. I have to remind myself I haven't had any training. That I have abandoned my love for a while now and am slowly getting back into it.

I hope I can find a way to become my dreams.

My Lovies

From 0 to 3 in 4

Here I sit in my living. Typing away on my keyboard. Trent watching "Harold and the Purple Crayon", Emily eating a poptart in her highchair, and Brenna coloring at the kitchen table. It is 8:15 am. And I am awake, while my husband is still in the bed. Getting to sleep in is no longer available for me. Sometimes I do sneak it in here nad there. But if the baby is ready and determined to be removed from her cage-then mommy must remove herself from her cloud of slumber.

This is my life, and I accept it. I love having children. If it wasn't for money, and health, I would have more. Sure they drive me crazy a lot of the time, but mostly they make me smile. And as I watch them grow, the tears swell my eyes. I know it is only a matter of time I will see my babies leaving my nest.

It is crazy to think how one day I was trying to figure out what I wanted out of life. And then I was pregnant. It was a huge shock! But I grew to be comforted by Brenna being inside me. Then quickly came into being so uncomfortable I knew I never wanted to be "with child" again. She was everything I had hoped for. First of all she was a GIRL!

When I became pregnant with Trent, we were both excited. We had so much fun and love with Brenna, of course one more would make it even better. There were a couple of skeptics-"you have no money, what are you going to do?""I can't believe you!"
But we didn't care. God will always make a way-I have learned. When we discovered the little joy inside me was a boy-it was even more exciting. Now we would be complete. A boy and a girl. As I nursed him, it was strangely familiar. He looked just like Brenna had at birth and it felt as though I was feeding her again.

Not long after I had given birth to trent I was pregnant with Emily. Although she was quite unexpected, it was a shock anymore. I never wanted three children. I felt it was unbalanced, and the third child is always rotten, and the middle child grows to feel forgotten. But we were about to be a family of five. And when we found out she was a SHE-I was so thrilled. Another little girl. Justin was excited to have another girl too. She was my smallest, but if she had not been premature she would have been my largest. She was born at just under 36wks and was a hefty 9lbs+. She is a petite little thing now-just like Trent.

I think we have done a pretty good job at making sure none of our three children feel left out of the love. They all get hugged and kissed atleast twice a day. And are all told "I love you" on random. And we expect the same from all three. I try to be consistent. It is hard sometimes. Especially with the different ages and personalities. But all three oF our beauties are happy and healthy.
And while my body has been completely transformed-and I hate it. I am happy.

Sometimes I do think how easy it would be with just one child. Or especially easy with none. But that doesn't mean I don't want my kids. I want them more than anything. Sure life would have been easier, but might not have been as fulfilled.

I love you, Brenna, Trent and Emily.

Protecting the Weak

Here I sit. Awaiting the nothingness that will come my way. Allowing myself to be swallowed up inside the vast salty air. Escaping was never a comprehended concept. So. Wait. Where can we go from here.

Taking the innocence of the weak is what you do best. Chasing the dreams of the believers is how you change the world. But I will sacrifice myself for them. Take me. Breathe in my poison. Take me in to consume your every need.

Pushing up from the wayside. Loving me. Loving you. Never again will this space be emptied. Putting all condemnation aside. As you flow through the rivers I can see. Filling the coldness.

Getting Organized

I finally wrote down all of my assignmetns in my planner for all of my classes. I even wrote down when I need to read chapters. I have to get it organized or I am going to keep being late on assignments. I missed my Math test that was Oct. 1st. I would not have even known had I not looked in my folder, where I had written down the dates things were due in that class. I sent my teacher an email, asking if there was a make-up. Hopefully, there is something I can do to bring that zero up. That really sucks. I hope I don't lose my HOPE scholarship for next semester.

I have been going through clothes too-and cleaning otu the garage. We had a yard sale this past weekend, and will be having another one next month. The town I live in has a community-wide yard sale downtown twice a year. This will be my third time participating. We make pretty good everytime. I am looking forward to making some spending money, and clearing out a lot of stuff.

I have been selling a lot on ebay recently too. I need to put some more items up. All that money is going towards purchases of clothing for the kids on ebay. It is great, but I hate having to ship everything. Well, I am off to post a Twilight painting for sale on etsy, maybe I will make some more money.

I can't wait until we are finished with school, then we will have extra money.

Blurry Vision

As i was walking down the walking trail, pushing the double stroller at 8 am this morning, I slid my glasses off my face to adjust them. Lately they are always getting crooked, which I had decided to get new ones as soon as funds would accomodate. I attempted to twist them like I normally do and all of a sudden "SNAP!!". OMG!! I now had two pieces in my hands. I had cracked my eyewear right down the center. I couldn't believe it. How was I going to walk with these eyes? And most importantly-how was I going to drive back home with blurry vision?



I proceeded to walk my mile. I mean, I was already walking and there was no need to cut it short just because I couldn't see good. Right? When I got to the car, I started to take trent from the stroller first. And I saw he didn't have Brobee and Foofa anymore (Yo Gabba Gabba characters). Another OMG! Now I had to walk back down the trail and attempt to find his plush toys when I could hardly see. Luckily someone had found them and told me where to look. I ended up walking another mile.

I now am wearing my glasses with tape in the middle. White tape. I look very funny. I feel crazy. ha. So, now I have made an eye exam appointment for 1pm. And who knows if I will get my glasses today. Hopefully so though. I might try to see if I can superglue them for the time being. Maybe they will last another week. Bc I really can't afford to get an exam and new glasses his week.



You never know what life is going to throw your way.