Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Where to go from here

I look back at pictures of myself before I ever got pregnant, and I can not help but think how in the world Justin would still be attracted to me. I look completely different. I am envious of that girl in those photos. She could be sexy, even though she didn't think about it. She could be confident, even though at times she wasn't. She could wear whatever she wanted, although she was still modest. And she was completely free, and she did exercise it somewhat.

But I try to think about how much I have changed. I know definitely in appearance. And self-esteem. But have I changed so much in other ways? I am just a completely different person altogether?

Every once in a while I can feel that 19 year reaching or the surface. She has to still be in here somewhere. And hopefully one day I will uncover her. Be the me I know I am. The me I feel I am, but am too afraid to express in this body.

But why am I too afraid to truly be myself in this body? I guess because I am not confident. This shell doesn't allow for much, and I can't even dress the way I want. I feel like the people that have only known me this size, do not even know me at all. I have almost forgotten who I am.

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