Just maybe...

With each breath I can feel my chest rise and fall. I wonder how the expression on my face covers the thoughts of this solemn mind. Too tired to even understand the concepts of time. I race with the best of them, knowing it's my defeat that lurks in the distance. But what if I just try?

Growing Up

When you have a baby your whole life changes, and for almost every new mother it is natural to just "grow up" in those few seconds it takes to look into your child's eyes. For the guy, it is a whole different story.

Justin was great. During pregnancy all I remember is constantly being upset with him, but I am sure some of that was hormones. But he took on the role of being a father to Brenna so easily. But the "growing up" process has taken quite a bit longer.



Really sometimes I wonder if men ever really grow up. Or do they hold on so tight to that teenager?

We were watching "16 and pregnant" this afternoon. And that is what got me thinking about all of this. It's a scary thing to carry a life inside of you and have no idea how you are going to take care of that tiny dependent person once they are on the outside.

I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant (the first time). How could this have happened to me? I thought. And then all I could think about was I haven't even finished college. This was not my plan. And a million other reasons I was not ready for parenthood screamed inside my head.
It wasn't until Brenna had been inside of me for about 19 weeks that I started to feel something for her. This being that was an alien to me. But the longer I carried her, I felt like she was becoming a part of me.



Brenna was the beginning a whole different life for me (and for Justin). And even though this is not the life we expected to have. It is a pretty great one. We have three amazingly beautiful, smart, talented children. There is a reason for it all. And I am content knowing that God wanted these perfect creatures in our lives.

Plans=waste of time

These are the people who make up my existence. Everything I do and will do is because of them. Everything I want to do, they are in the back of my head. I have to make their lives better with each decision. And that is a heavy load. Let me tell you. I love these little sweets more than I ever thought I could love another.

Life is so different when you have kids. Besides the overwhelming larger bills piling up on the kitchen counter, there is the utter joy from just looking at their smiling faces. And the strong need to fulfill those little hearts with happiness. To instill morals and values. Taking care of another life is a lot of hard work.

Lately I have been thinking how easy (in comparison) things would be with only one child. And it would be tremendously easier. Bills would be lots smaller. Babysitters would be a ton easier to come by. I could list numerous differences, but I am not going to. I don't have one child anymore, I have three. Three whole precious lives to look after at the young age of 25.

This was not my plan. Not even by a longshot. I was not going to have my first child until I was 27 or 28. Well, I sure got dealt an entirely different deck. Because nothing I had planned came together. And honestly, I am perfectly content with that.

I am finally piecing myself back together, and this is helping me be a better mother. I am finding the things I used to enjoy and I am realizing that I really like me. Which I think I always have, but just forgot about myself for a couple years now. But I strongly believe in order to be a great mother you have to be a great you. You can't put yourself on the backburner all the time.

...behind these hazel eyes...

I never really understood you. And you have never really understood me. But that was fun for us. The mystery involved. It hurts sometimes. The feeling of having the one person that should know me, misinterpretting everything that I signal. Never getting me. You don't see me-you only see the outside. You don't even try to look deep and grasp all that I hold in behind these hazel eyes. Do you know they are hazel?

I didn't ask for all that has happened. I didn't know that the choices I was making would lead me here. But how can I say I wish I could go back. I'm not so sure I want to. We can only move forward. We can only think about the choices we make now. Life is short and love is simple. I think people make it complicated. But I am here. Asking you to dig and find who I am . Not the surface that clouds and clutters every little aspect of the person you think I am and hides the truth. Reach out and really search.

I am not that difficult when you really try. But don't think I am so easy either. because I'm not a shallow pool-I am a vast ocean. All you need is a little determination and heart. You will see me. I am waiting with my heart in your hands. Just keep it safe.

Life

I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and most of the time we do not understand or know the reasons. I also believe that if you want something out of life you have to take chances and make it happen. You can not just sit back and wait for your life to pick you up off your recliner and spell out the directions to drive your vehicle into a brand new way. You are the driver.

And of course, I am not naive. I am aware not everything works out, and it isn't always realistic to take risks, especially when you have 3 small people looking to you for all the answers and food and clothing. But you can still plan for a change. Get out of yourself and change your life. For the better of the people in it.

Just to Feel

Tempt me. Tease me.
All the layers of your clothing washing away before my sunburned eyes.
You never saw me in this light.
But I'm here.
All for you.
Just hold tight before the earth begins to crumble.
The weakness of my balance exists only between us.
Where did you come from?
Ravish me. Love me.
Listen.
Can you hear my heart pounding through my chest?
The cage will no longer hold.
So just touch my hand.
And set it free.

Daddy, Dad, Father

This past weekend was Father's Day! YAY! for Daddy's!! I almost forgot, but luckily remembered while showering before church. haha.

Sunday my dad came up to have lunch with us. All the way up from Leesburg, Fl. He came just for a few hours and then went right back down to his life. It was really nice to see my dad. I haven't seen him a quite a while. But he took us out for lunch. And then we took the kids over to Toys R Us. haha. This time they got a couple things. A slip-n-slide and a swirly sprinkler to help on these awefully hot days.

Later that day, my cousin and his wife had their first born. A 20 inch long, 6.2 lb boy. He is so cute. (And mind you-I do not say that lightly-if I don't think, I simply do not say it.) He is going to be an awesome Daddy.

Speaking of awesome dad's, mine has always been pretty awesome. And I am married to the best. I love you, Justin!

Happy LATE Father's Day to all of you Dad's!!

Human Oven

This is what it is like outside. You know it's bad when your kids won't go outside for more than a few minutes. Today marked the first day of Summer. And everyday it has been in the 90's. I can not imagine the heat in a month. I have never liked the summer, but now I hate it even more. Being hot makes me feel dirty. Sweaty. And annoyed very easily (which doesn't say too much, because I am already pretty quick to get aggravated).

For this I have never liked living in the south. I want to live in nothern Ga. Where it isn't scorching and it doesn't snow much. Who knows if we will ever escape the grasps of Moutlrie. We have left twice before and always come back. But I must say in my defense, I was never the one wanting to return here.

Another thing got me thinking yesterday. The middle schools here suck!! I don't want my kids going to them!! If we never end up moving on, then I can say that we will try our hardest to put our children in better schools.

WOW!! Enough rambling.

I want my camera back!!!

Justin took our camera to a friends house last weekend, while they were "jamming" as he likes to call it. Just him and a few frinds getting together to play some music. Anyways, this post is not about that. I thought I'd post some pics from my phone. So here you go.


Brenna after a pool party.


Emily this week. In one of her new cloth diapers.


Trent's 2nd birthday.


Brenna and her bff at "Breakfast with Santa" last year.


Emily a couple weeks old. Awww!

Fun with Nothing but a Waterhose

The heat outside will melt almost anything. At an attempt to get the kids to play outdoors, they threw on their bathing suits and flips flops and were bound for the backyard. I in my tank top and jeans followed after. We waited until Emily napped. And then, the waterhose attacked.

Unfortunately, we can not afford a pool. We don't even have a kiddie pool. Maybe we should try to get one soon. As it is now, this summer is going to be scorching.

Well, the entertainment was me spraying the waterhose all around while Brenna and Trent ran around and screamed. It was fun! They loved it, it only lasted about ten minutes, because I was baking out there. But the kids were happy. Plus they ran off some of that energy that was not getting used for anything except whining.

After they took naps, we headed back out. Emily joined in this time. She pretty much just sat there in the grass. Pulling fistfuls of the stuff and sticking it to her face. Brenna ran around screaming and laughing. And Trent, oh Trent. He stayed inside crying about wanting a shirt because it was hot. My hands were full with baby, so I opted not to get him a new shirt (his other one he wore out earlier was wet). I tried with all my might to get him to come out with us. He just wouldn't without a shirt. This is why we waited until Emily was asleep last time. The girls had fun, and after about ten minutes we went back in and Trent was all smiles.

I decided they should take a bath since Emily was covered in grass. And well, Brenna and Trent could go ahead and get in and save me some time later. I think we will do this again tomorrow. But poor little Emily will have to nap it out. There is only room enough for one baby in the backyard water park.

Time Flies

As the tears swell behind my eyes, I try to hold them back to the best of my ability. I think I am doing a pretty good job. Sometimes they get the best of me though.
I can't belive my little baby is already ONE!! Where has the time gone? How can it already be one whole year since she was taken from my body?

She is my last. No more babies here. Now that she is growing so quickly and I see the time is flying faster than I ever realized, it saddens me that my body will no longer produce beautiful babies.

But I have my three children to enjoy. And since this is about Emily....

Emily Dresden Hill, born 8:30pm Monday-June 16, 2008 by c-section. A stubborn little thing. She was determined to break free and join the rest of the world sooner than she ought to. The doctors all tried to stop her, but she was sure she would not stay bound by my body for long. As soon as the medicine wore off she fought. Her hardest fight being that Monday. And she made it-4 weeks early. She was a hefty 9 lbs and 10 oz. Thank you, Emily, for being a fighter.

My Dearest Emily Dresden

What a tiny little one year old you are.
I love how you laugh at everything. A little giggle follows almost every moment. It is so sweet, the sound of your laughter.

Just a couple days ago you began to walk those legs all around. Falling requently and quite wobbley, you still continued. For a while I feared you would not walk until you were 14 months old, like your brother. And let me tell you, a mother should not be having to carry around a child of that age. Her arms and back can only permit the weight for so long. Even a tiny little 10 lb baby gets heavy after some time. But you started to show off at a friend's birthday party. Since then, you have been strutting your stuff around the house. Although you fall often, you sometimes stand back up and truck along some more. Each time you seem to get farther and farther. I love to watch how you balance with your arms and back all contorted. ha. And you are so proud of yourself.

I hope you will always know how loved you are. Your big brother and sister have an adoration for you like no other. They will always be there to protect you. And you are so small, but the love for them in your eyes is awesome to witness. We are all very joyed to have you in our little family. A perfect stopping point to the beginning of a wonderful life.

Although you are rather hard headed and can have the greatest temper to come from such a small being-you are such a brilliantly sweet creature. Your smile lights up any room. And who can resist those eyes? Oh, those amazing eyes.

I love you, Emily!! And although I am saddened by your aging, I am happy you will soon be able to communicate with the rest of us here in the Hill house.

Living Green?

I want to live as green as I am able to allow myself. I am trying to go little by little. Every little thing you can do do help matters. And actually there are several things you can change that will save you money. Here is a list of things that you can do:

- Recycle. Sure it takes time and you may have to drive to the recycling center, but while you are driving aroud you might be near it-so its not that much trouble. And if you don't want to go all the way-atleast recycle your plastic, paper and cans.

- Line dry your clothes. Imagine the money you will save on your electricity bill, not to mention saving energy!! We are putting up a clothes line in the next week or two. If you det it up in the shade your clothes won't get all stiff. Here's one and Here's another. There are other options-like drying racks and the umbrella style clothes line. So you can figure out what works best for you. The portable drying racks can be used indoors and out.

- Cloth diapers. Cloth is not what it used to be!! There are tons of different kinds to use: prefolds, fitteds, all in ones, and pockets. check out this etsy shop for a few aio's, fitteds, and wool covers. When I first started using cloth, Justin was so not into it. But we never really were completely cloth. And I haven't used them for a while now. But just recentlt I have been getting my stash up. And the past few days I have used only cloth-except at night I put a disposable on Emily. I still need to get a couple covers. I really like them. And the money I am saving in not having to buy disposables.

- Stop using disposables. Think of the landfills. I know it sounds weird, but if you think about it, it makes sense. I already don't buy paper towels, because it's a waste of money. Use cloth hand towels and dish rags. You already have them around and use them. Some people don't use toilet paper either. They use cloth wipes-I can not do this. There is also something called a menstrual cup. And cloth menstrual pads.

- Use reusable shopping bags. We have not started this as of yet. But I am going to this week. There are several options. chicobags, cheap bags from ikea , and lots more!

There are lots more!! I will update randomly about how things are going with my quest for a healthy and eco-conscious family.

My Cup Overflows

There are so many things I want to dabble in. A few I have, butthen it becomes very clear I can not do it all. Atleast not at the same time.

Several weeks ago, my mother-in-law stopped watching my two youngest two days a week. This caused me to have to limit my work schedule to only two days a week instead of four. (Justin doesn't work on fridays, so he is able to watch the kids then and Sat.). At first I was upset. But not entirely. Part of me had wanted a reason to be able to stay home with my children while they are young. But then again I didn't want to be confined. I wanted to get out and do my own thing too. I had to maintain an identity outside of being a mother.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out just what it is that I want to do with my life. Do I want to be a full time hairstylist? Do I want to just do it part time and do my dabbling? Or do I want to completely work from home? I really am so confused.

Of course, I want to do what would be best for my kids. I want to be with them, and I want them to be able to take them to the movies, theme parks, shopping trips, etc. But I really have no idea what is best. I am quite torn. And sure, I could have both. Do the part time hairstylist and do part time work from home. But then I feel I could not give 100% to both.

So here I sit. Wondering what I should do. What would Justin want? He is supportive of me painting and crafting. But he is not ready for me to give up my career I am currently in. I am not ready to quit it either. We just both know that I need to be bringing in some income.

Creating is what I love. My first passion being painting. I just started sewing, which I am really enjoying. I like doing hair. I really like it. But the whole social aspect is not really for me. It stresses me sometimes. When I am creating something, whether it be art or a haircut, I get in my zone. I concentrate and think about what I am doing. Sure I am able to speak, but to have to think about what to say to someone, just to make small talk, while I am trying to crate a lovely hairstyle-well, that is rather stressful. I am not rude. I am not stuck-up. I am just not very talkative or nosey with people i don't know well.

I really need to get things figured out. And soon!!

Work in Progress

I am currently working on an oil painting of the Twilight book cover. I plan on doing all four book covers from the saga. I just thought I would post a photo of the painting in progress. Please, keep in mind. This is not near finished. Enjoy. -Jen

Good Friends

I think when we are younger we don't really realize how much we lean on our friends. They are to be catalysts of comfort. Even when tears are more often brought on by these "friends" we will still continue to retreat to them. But as I have gotten older I have realized a lot more about my friends. I do not need them so much.

I only want to be surrounded by people who are uplifting to my spirits. Why should I befriend someone who will jump at any chance to devour me behind my back? I don't have to. Life will go on. A better life in fact. One that is encircled with good-hearted people. People that love me. Genuinely want me to succeed, and see all the good within me.

I often have trouble letting people in. This wall will protect me from the sneaky snakes of life. I am not completely closed off. But it will take me a while to open up and allow you to take part in my world. I don't have to let everyone inside. But I think I should be aware of the possiblities that await me.

As I am "finding myself" this is becoming more and more. I am becoming confident in my individuality again. Embracing all the quirks. So, here I sit. Waiting on life to grab me. With a smile across my face, because I know. I know that I can be me, and that is all I have to be.

Fun Photo Time

Brenna pretending to ride this stuffed horse. At toys r us.


Showing off his boots. haha. He wears these things everyday around the house. This mean mama will not let him wear them out-unless he has on pants (which hasn't happened lately because it's so hot).


Trent trying to put his boots back on.


This was taken today. I decided to start cloth diapering fulltime. I am tired of buying dispoasble diapers.


Emily loves this tent. We got it for Trent for Christmas last year. It's a transformer and he played with it for about the first week. Then it sat in his room collecting toys and being turned over to further satifaction. The plastic rods got bent from all the turning over and so I took them out and placed it in the corner of the living room, planning to take it to the garage. Well, little miss Emily loves to pull it out and climb inside. She isn't scared. And when you call her name, she will find the opening, peek her little head out, and smile with enjoyment.

Building it up

I haven't forgotten this blog, only been preoccupied with getting a few paintings finished to place on etsy. That and taking care of three little terrors. My house is a wreck. And I somehow do not feel overwhelmed by any of it. I think because I am doing what I love everyday. Painting relaxes me. I would rather be doing an original oil painting, but I needed to get some of the monogram canvases up so people could get an idea.

I do have a very special series of paintings coming soon. I am way excited about them too. I will start on the first this weekend. I abslutely can not wait to get them up in my shop!! Even if they do not sell, just to share the beauty with others will be awesome.

I really need my own space to paint. I need to be able to leave my oils out and have a place to concentrate and just work-with no small people running to me every 5 minutes. Maybe one day. maybe if this painting thing takes off.

I am thinking of going to school. I want to atleast take a couple of art classes, if I can not major in anything. I also may be renting a space in one of the stores downtown in my town. This will be great advertisement in itself. And at only $50 a month, how could I go wrong? I really need to get a few more paintings done before that though.

you can check out the progress of my etsy here

Toys R Fun

This past weekend, Justin and I took the kids to ToysRUs. We did so to allow them to pick out any toy and we would purchase it for them. Well, we walked around the entire store. And not once did our little darlings ask or beg for anything. They loved soo many, but not once did they ask to bring it home witht them. They were absolutely fine with playing with them inside the store and then moving on to the next contraption.




We had reached the end. There were no more toys to play with. So we were leaving. The kids had not picked out any toys, and we felt we shouldn't urge them to do so. It owuld save us so money. ha. But how could we not reward these sweet little ones for being so well behaved. They deserved something. So, they got to pick out candy. That was way better than any old toy.



Except when we got to the checkout. Trent had become quite fond a hat Jusitn put on him during the exploration. And he was not willing to part with said hat. He looked very cute in it, so we asked the clerk how much did the little old hat cost? Couldn't be much, but we should make sure. WOW!! It was $20. There was no way. Sorry, call me cheap. But to pay that much for a hat for a 2 year old. A hat that doesn't even fit him. A hat that by the time we reached the car would have been forgotten about. Um..yeah..no way was that happening. So he put up

So, Trent put up a small fight. It ended once he was reminded of the candy he just picked out. ha. And so did our trip to the toy store. Much fun, and very short lived.