Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Creating a world of beauty

I always loved art and drawing. I remeber being in my elemntary art class every week. It was the best time of the week for me. Always creating something and unlocking potential I never knew existed. I would draw all the time. I drew faces of unknown people. And as I looked at the finished artwork-I was amazed.

Throughout the years. Everytime I finish a piece of artwork-most of the time-I am surprised by the results. Even when I think it could be better, I feel I did better than I thought I would have. But sometimes the more I look at my art, the more I can see where I have flawed.

Although, my whole life has been countless drawings, and finally venturing out into the world of painting, without guidance, I never knew I wanted to make a living fomr being an artist. But I do. And I think it started with Atlanta. Sometime before I left for Atlanta, or right after, my dad bought me an easel and oil paints. I had never used oil paints before. I fell in love.

The older I get, the more I realize that I desperately want to do something I yearn for. I need to create. And I wish I had the money and time to pursue it. Try to make it into the art world. Take art classes to help with my talent. (I feel weird saying that word-bc I feel it somehow implies I think I am good at what I do)-Which I do think I am fairly good. But there is always going to be someone way better. But I have to be positive. I have to remind myself I haven't had any training. That I have abandoned my love for a while now and am slowly getting back into it.

I hope I can find a way to become my dreams.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

My Lovies

From 0 to 3 in 4

Here I sit in my living. Typing away on my keyboard. Trent watching "Harold and the Purple Crayon", Emily eating a poptart in her highchair, and Brenna coloring at the kitchen table. It is 8:15 am. And I am awake, while my husband is still in the bed. Getting to sleep in is no longer available for me. Sometimes I do sneak it in here nad there. But if the baby is ready and determined to be removed from her cage-then mommy must remove herself from her cloud of slumber.

This is my life, and I accept it. I love having children. If it wasn't for money, and health, I would have more. Sure they drive me crazy a lot of the time, but mostly they make me smile. And as I watch them grow, the tears swell my eyes. I know it is only a matter of time I will see my babies leaving my nest.

It is crazy to think how one day I was trying to figure out what I wanted out of life. And then I was pregnant. It was a huge shock! But I grew to be comforted by Brenna being inside me. Then quickly came into being so uncomfortable I knew I never wanted to be "with child" again. She was everything I had hoped for. First of all she was a GIRL!

When I became pregnant with Trent, we were both excited. We had so much fun and love with Brenna, of course one more would make it even better. There were a couple of skeptics-"you have no money, what are you going to do?""I can't believe you!"
But we didn't care. God will always make a way-I have learned. When we discovered the little joy inside me was a boy-it was even more exciting. Now we would be complete. A boy and a girl. As I nursed him, it was strangely familiar. He looked just like Brenna had at birth and it felt as though I was feeding her again.

Not long after I had given birth to trent I was pregnant with Emily. Although she was quite unexpected, it was a shock anymore. I never wanted three children. I felt it was unbalanced, and the third child is always rotten, and the middle child grows to feel forgotten. But we were about to be a family of five. And when we found out she was a SHE-I was so thrilled. Another little girl. Justin was excited to have another girl too. She was my smallest, but if she had not been premature she would have been my largest. She was born at just under 36wks and was a hefty 9lbs+. She is a petite little thing now-just like Trent.

I think we have done a pretty good job at making sure none of our three children feel left out of the love. They all get hugged and kissed atleast twice a day. And are all told "I love you" on random. And we expect the same from all three. I try to be consistent. It is hard sometimes. Especially with the different ages and personalities. But all three oF our beauties are happy and healthy.
And while my body has been completely transformed-and I hate it. I am happy.

Sometimes I do think how easy it would be with just one child. Or especially easy with none. But that doesn't mean I don't want my kids. I want them more than anything. Sure life would have been easier, but might not have been as fulfilled.

I love you, Brenna, Trent and Emily.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Protecting the Weak

Here I sit. Awaiting the nothingness that will come my way. Allowing myself to be swallowed up inside the vast salty air. Escaping was never a comprehended concept. So. Wait. Where can we go from here.

Taking the innocence of the weak is what you do best. Chasing the dreams of the believers is how you change the world. But I will sacrifice myself for them. Take me. Breathe in my poison. Take me in to consume your every need.

Pushing up from the wayside. Loving me. Loving you. Never again will this space be emptied. Putting all condemnation aside. As you flow through the rivers I can see. Filling the coldness.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Getting Organized

I finally wrote down all of my assignmetns in my planner for all of my classes. I even wrote down when I need to read chapters. I have to get it organized or I am going to keep being late on assignments. I missed my Math test that was Oct. 1st. I would not have even known had I not looked in my folder, where I had written down the dates things were due in that class. I sent my teacher an email, asking if there was a make-up. Hopefully, there is something I can do to bring that zero up. That really sucks. I hope I don't lose my HOPE scholarship for next semester.

I have been going through clothes too-and cleaning otu the garage. We had a yard sale this past weekend, and will be having another one next month. The town I live in has a community-wide yard sale downtown twice a year. This will be my third time participating. We make pretty good everytime. I am looking forward to making some spending money, and clearing out a lot of stuff.

I have been selling a lot on ebay recently too. I need to put some more items up. All that money is going towards purchases of clothing for the kids on ebay. It is great, but I hate having to ship everything. Well, I am off to post a Twilight painting for sale on etsy, maybe I will make some more money.

I can't wait until we are finished with school, then we will have extra money.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Blurry Vision

As i was walking down the walking trail, pushing the double stroller at 8 am this morning, I slid my glasses off my face to adjust them. Lately they are always getting crooked, which I had decided to get new ones as soon as funds would accomodate. I attempted to twist them like I normally do and all of a sudden "SNAP!!". OMG!! I now had two pieces in my hands. I had cracked my eyewear right down the center. I couldn't believe it. How was I going to walk with these eyes? And most importantly-how was I going to drive back home with blurry vision?

I proceeded to walk my mile. I mean, I was already walking and there was no need to cut it short just because I couldn't see good. Right? When I got to the car, I started to take trent from the stroller first. And I saw he didn't have Brobee and Foofa anymore (Yo Gabba Gabba characters). Another OMG! Now I had to walk back down the trail and attempt to find his plush toys when I could hardly see. Luckily someone had found them and told me where to look. I ended up walking another mile.

I now am wearing my glasses with tape in the middle. White tape. I look very funny. I feel crazy. ha. So, now I have made an eye exam appointment for 1pm. And who knows if I will get my glasses today. Hopefully so though. I might try to see if I can superglue them for the time being. Maybe they will last another week. Bc I really can't afford to get an exam and new glasses his week.

You never know what life is going to throw your way.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Finding Peace in Moderation

Lately my thoughts have been scattered from one end of my head to the other. I can't seem to find anything without conflict. So many things require something I do not have at the moment.

I am trying to find the balance of all things my life consists. Taking time to relax and looking at the world around me. I am never at ease, it seems. I need time to think. Time to transfer all my electricity.

Today I am just. I am here and willing, but have no means. I know it will take time to progress into bliss, but time takes too long.

I didn't even know the day. And now I feel time has slipped through my grasp. I have lost an entire day!! Regain focus and carry on...